Coincidence or destiny? -7

 EPISODE 7

SIYA

'Show your collarbone, baby. You've such a gorgeous one!', Rishika claps and jumps like a toddler. I'm being forced to wear an off shoulder top for the very first time in my life and it's giving me a shame to go out with it. Especially, if you're going on your first date. Why the pretty girls out there expose their body parts, wearing such kind of clothes? It can be a good fashion for them but not for me. 'I can't go like this, Rish. What will he think of me?', I lowered my exposed shoulders and sat on my bed. Rishika spread her arms in air like a fashion queen and said, 'Boys love these kind of outfits.' She claps, 'You've to do something to make him happy. And when will you grow, if you'll never try on new things? I know...' Her phone rings, interrupting her lecture. She starts talking to the person on the phone, 'But why? I've told you, I and Siya are going out.' May be she's her mom.

I'm still sitting on the bed, deciding on the topic of wearing an off shoulder top. 'Okay, fine!', she hangs up and come back to me. 'I'm sorry, Siya. I've to go. Like right now.', she said in hurry, gathering up her things. I jumped up in disappointment, 'How will I meet Ryan? Rish, please do something.' She says, 'Siya, my father's first cousin passed away and we've to go to his funeral. It was sudden. I swear. I'll try my best next time. Sorry.' She's still looking down. May be she's guilty and can't make an eye contact with me. I nodded in agreement and she rushed out of my room; I even couldn't see her off out. I texted Ryan about the sad news.

_.Ryan._  : Come outside your lane, I'll pick up you.

Siya143 : I can't Ryan. Everyone knows me. We'd get caught. Let's just wait until Rishika gets free.

_.Ryan._  : Are you high, Siya? Can't you see, she lost her one family member! She won't get free easily. 

Siya143 : Mind your language, mister! Don't be so impatient. I'm in this relationship too. I want to meet you too! But I've no way!

_.Ryan._  : These are just your excuses. If you'd ever wanted to meet me, we'd have met till now. Just go and wait for your fucking friend! 

Siya143 : Stop using such words! I don't like this kind of behaviour.

_.Ryan._  : You don't like? Huh. Stop being a good girl, Siya. No one is perfect! Everyone lies, everyone curses, everyone does crimes. And I'm not even telling you to do something bad. I just want you to try harder to meet me. But I can see you aren't! I just want to meet you. That's how we'll know each other and our relationship will grow!

Siya143 : Ryan, I'm just scared. I don't want people to talk bad about my family if they ever saw me with you. I'm trying harder. I want to meet you. But I'm helpless.

My eyes became heavy due to tears and when I blinked, the drops finally fell down my cheeks. 

_.Ryan._  : Are you crying?

Shit. How did he know?

_.Ryan._  : Siya, I'm really sorry. When our meeting got set up, my excitement level was above the sky. And when all my imaginational dreams broke, I got mad. I'm sorry, Siya. Please don't cry because of me.

Siya143 : It's okay, Ryan. I'll try to figure out something ASAP.

Few weeks passed...

It's almost 3 months since I and Ryan are just talking online. We never met. He used to come outside the school after the dispersal to see me. Just to see me. We can't meet due to my cousins being around me. Most of the time I was scared of meeting him. And that has made him mad all the time. I can't do anything. I just don't want to take any risks. Some of his conversations and talks bother me a lot. One of those was like...

_.Ryan._ : Baby, I don't want any gifts on our first date, but one thing...

Siya143 : What thing?

_.Ryan._ : Just a sweet kiss ;-)

Siya143 : Excuse me?

_.Ryan._ : What?

Siya143 : Sorry, I don't know if I could do that.

 _.Ryan._ : Baby, it's just a simple and sweet kiss, not more than that.

Siya143 : Ryan, please stop calling me "baby". I don't like that.

_.Ryan._ : We're in a relationship, Siya.

Siya143 : There's no rule to address your partner as "baby". 

_.Ryan._ : Why are you being so orthodox?

Siya143 : I'm just a simple girl. I don't know such things.

_.Ryan._ : You know what, I'm a lot of steps ahead you! You're left behind with such old fashion thoughts.

What the hell does he mean? I'm much more than he thinks!

Siya143 : If you think like that, it's your choice!

A lot of times, I feel he ignores me. Sometimes he replies late, sometimes he even doesn't reply, and sometimes he says I'm busy with having board exams; But he has time for posting and updating his pictures everyday. I know it's like childish but I don't see a future in this relationship. It's hard to catch someone's feelings through a virtual connection. Today, I decided to think on it. I rested my back against the wall, while I was sitting on my bed and my legs stretched as if it's a natural reflex. I was staring at the post of Ryan which he has uploaded 5 minutes ago and the last time when he closed the conversation with me saying, he's going to study now was, 15 minutes ago! While I was staring at the photo, my thoughts generating process started.

Now he isn't studying huh? Is he ignoring me or what? I can't understand what is happening with our relationship, where is it going? I don't like his behavior most of the time and if I tell him about it, he thinks I'm orthodox. I'm old school. But why can't he see, what is he? What is he even doing? Rish always says that when something confuses you, listen to your heart and then make a decision. Okay so my gut feeling or intuition or heart says that I'm forcing myself to be in this relationship. I think a relationship is really not my thing. I can't be a "modern" girl which he wants.

I. Just. Can't.

Am I pretending to be a girlfriend? Because I'm not a good girlfriend.

I'm blank, again. Like the last time.

RYAN

"Bro, padh le! (Study a little, bro)", I warned Harsh. Our board exams are just coming in a speed of like a cheetah. How the time flies, I don't know. I just want to pass tenth grade with good marks so that I can get admission in a diploma college. That's what I'm focusing on these days. I can't even talk to Siya much. She must be feeling left out as we don't meet. 

'I'll pass with flying colors, bro. Just wait and watch.', Harsh stretches his arms up and leans back on the chair. 'How's going with Siya?', he changes the topic. 'Till now it's good.', my eyes are still on my notebook, solving a mathematical problem. 'Bro, it's 3 months now! You haven't met her. And most importantly, you haven't kissed her!', Harsh shakes his head and I'm still avoiding his words as usual. I do think about this. I want to meet Siya. Not to just kiss her. 

I want to stick my palms to hers and intertwine our fingers between each other's. I want to hold her hand on my chest, so that she can feel my increasing heart beats. I want to hug her and let myself lost in her beautiful black hair. I want to kiss her head and let her know that I love her soul and not just her body. And most importantly, I want to drown myself in those same innocent eyes, this time from a closer distance. 

Harsh wakes me up from daydreaming as our teacher arrives in the class. I just hope one day, I can fulfill these day dreams with her and then she'll know how much I love her.

After the class when I unlocked my phone to text Siya, I couldn't find her profile. Has she deleted her profile? I texted Rishika to tell me if she did. 'No, I can see her profile.', she replied. I was shocked and clueless that what's going on. I checked if my instagram is updated, I deleted the app and reinstalled, I logged in from Harsh's phone and checked. I did every possible thing. I can feel I almost stopped breathing for a second. After panicking and pacing here and there for whole five minutes, I stopped and realized.

She blocked me.

Siya blocked me without leaving any message?

All my day dreams, my love, my heart, my everything for her, shattered in seconds. I didn't utter a word and left from there. What could be the reason she blocked me? Have I did something wrong? May be she's little upset. She'll unblock me if I convince her. I texted Rishika asking about Siya.

Rishhh : We have not talked about something like this today. Let me text her.

After 15 minutes, her reply came back.

Rishhh : Ryan, is something happened between two of you?

_.Ryan._ : Nothing! She was talking properly till afternoon. You talked to her? Is she okay?

Rishhh : She don't want to talk about it. I asked her several times but she just want to be alone.

_.Ryan._ : Okay. Please give me updates about her until she talks to me.

Rishhh : Yeah. Don't worry. She'll be fine. You both will be fine.

I know she'll come back. She can't do this again. I assured myself irrespective of the thought that she can break up again.

Few weeks passed...

I crushed the beer can hardly with aggression. A tear drop rolled down as it was so heavy for my eyes to hold on since these few days. Today, when I saw the ignorance in those same innocent eyes, it broke me. I can remember that day. 12th of January. The day when she left my life without even telling me. I placed the crushed can beside me as I'll need it later. As I slid my hand into the right pocket of my pants, I found what I wanted. I lighted up that cigarette and placed it's one end inside my mouth. As I smoke that tobacco, I can feel some relieving dopamine rush beneath my skin. It's good, I whispered exhaling out the smoke. I closed my eyes and recalled today's situation:

As the school got dispersed, I got up from my bike and started searching for her, jumping on my toes. A lot of girls rushed with same hairstyle(two plated braids) and same school uniform. One can recognize someone distantly only by their bags. I searched for a blue bag which was of Siya. Someone patted my back and I turned around. It was Jay. After few small talks I asked him to tell Siya that I want to talk to her right now. I've been visiting her school since several days(on a daily basis) just to see her. But today I want to talk to her about us. Finally my eyes locked with her eyes, when she stepped out of the school gate. My heart still skips a beat everytime when I see her; no matter what is going between two of us. But just in an instant, she looked somewhere else and I looked down in disappointment. I elbowed Jay and mouthed, "Go, please." While both of them were talking across the road, at that time I wished to have a doremon's gadget which can hear their conversation. Jay returned and she sat inside her van. 'She don't want to talk, bro. She's stubborn!', Jay told me while breathing heavily. I saw her van starting and I started my bike quickly and followed the van with my friends. 'She's stubborn!', Jay screamed from behind. 'I'm double stubborn!', I screamed back at the top of my lungs. I kept a distance from the van but slowly drove just in the side of it. I glanced at her several times and honked too, but she kept looking away from me. I don't care about her cousins, I just want to talk. At a point, she folded her arms and buried down her face on the bag placed in her lap. And then I realized, 

she's actually triple stubborn!

But I'll show her that I'm tenfold stubborn than her! 

After when I opened my eyes, I picked up the crushed can, teared it apart into large pieces of sharp aluminum sheets. After the process of tearing apart, I finally got a perfect large piece just like a knife and started giving my left arm several cuts. It didn't hurt.

It never hurts.

Only her ignorance does.

To be continued...